Craig Tucker and the Case of the Missing Valentines
by Mesita
Summary: Someone has stolen all the Valentines from Mrs. Nelson's fourth-grade class! It's up to Craig Tucker to solve the case.


Despite the multitude of pink and red decorations around the fourth-grade classroom, a melancholy feeling hung in the air as Mrs. Nelson stood in front of the class holding a derelict and decidedly empty cardboard box. It looked like something out of a Pinterest article, all covered in construction paper, lace and stickers. But all the decorations in the world didn't stop it from being devoid of anything but air.

"Class, I have some very bad news," Mrs. Nelson began. "Someone has taken all of this year's Valentines so I am unable to pass any of them out." She looked disappointed in all of them. Some more than others, but really, her ire was spread out amongst the little shits that inhabited South Park Elementary's fourth-grade class. "If anyone knows of the whereabouts of the Valentines please step forward. No one should live with the burden of ruining an entire day for everyone."

Craig Tucker angrily flipped off every last person in that classroom save for his boyfriend, Tweek Tweak, but that was only because he'd specifically made one of those Valentines for him and now it was stolen.

"Craig, finger down. You can't afford any more office referrals," Mrs. Nelson warned.

Craig reluctantly lowered his hand.

Cartman giggled a high-pitched annoying giggle that reminded Craig of a cat screaming at a bee for continuously running into a window.

Kyle Broflovski immediately pointed a finger at the giggler, his eyes wide with rage. "I know it was you, fatass!"

"Whaaaaat?" Cartman retaliated in the stupidest way possible.

"You took the Valentines! Give them back!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Cartman said, his hands precariously folded on the desk in front of him looking as innocent and therefore as guilty as possible. Craig glared at him and flipped him off without Mrs. Nelson seeing. "Do you have any proooof?"

"Damnit, Cartman!" Kyle yelled. "I'll find proof." The class began to talk distractedly amongst themselves. Craig exchanged an apologetic look with Tweek.

"Now children," Mrs. Nelson said calmly, trying to regain control of the class. "If the perpetrator comes to me by recess, we can keep this quiet." She set the empty box behind her desk and moved to the front board. "But until then, we will have to treat the rest of the day as normal. Pull out your grammar packets from yesterday…"

And just like that the subject was dropped until lunchtime when most of the class huddled around Cartman's table.

"We know you took them," Kyle said. His accusation was followed by a chorus of 'yeah!'s from those around him, Craig included. He wasn't about to let the chief suspect get away. He'd spent actual honest-to-God money on Tweek's Valentine's Day present. Granted, it was money family and the school had given him when the Asian girls put him and Tweek together, but it was still money that belonged to no one but him. He could have bought a new water tank for his guinea pig but no. He spent it on Tweek. And now that gift was waiting to be devoured by someone other than its intended audience.

"I don't have them. You can check my locker," Cartman said, casually stuffing his maw with a piece of cardboard cafeteria pizza.

"Like you'd be dumb enough to put them in your locker," Stan Marsh chimed in. He had a point. Cartman was an idiot but only in the basic sense that everyone hated him. He was actually incredibly smart but used his powers for evil. It was annoying and after the fiasco with Peru, Craig decided that staying away from Cartman was the healthiest available option. It worked well for him usually, but today he'd been spurned personally and that just wasn't going to slide.

Craig stepped away from the throng of students to clear his head. Yelling at Cartman wasn't going to work. He'd leave that to Stan and Kyle any day. There was no doubt in his mind that Cartman took the Valentines. The only trouble was finding the stash and tracing the blame back to Cartman himself. Although, to be honest, Craig wasn't very worried about everyone else's presents so long as he got his back… and got whatever Tweek gave him—if he got him anything. He probably did. Tweek was thoughtful like that, Craig noticed.

"Hey, Craig!"

Craig almost didn't hear his name, he was too lost in thought. A bump at his side caused him to look up and see Tweek smiling wide at him. He looked nervous like he usually did, but it was different. Normally Tweek's nervous ticks were projected outward at the world. Today they were projected directly at Craig himself.

"Hey, Tweek. You okay?" he asked, his voice barely rising enough to indicate a question.

Tweek nodded and then thought the better of it and shook his head. "No. It's… it's about your present-"

"Listen, Tweek, it's okay," Craig interjected. "I'm going to find who took our Valentines and make them pay." He looked out over the cafeteria, away from Tweek's penetrating stare. "I already have an idea."

"No, it's not—" Tweek started, but Craig cut him off.

"I'll be right back, Tweek."

There was no use in apologizing. It wasn't their fault they couldn't exchange Valentines. It was Cartman's. And when Craig saw an opportunity, he took it. He could always talk to Tweek later when he had his chocolates back in his hand.

Tweek made a strangled noise when Craig pushed past him but he didn't follow. Craig made his way through the tables and chairs of the cafeteria until he was face to face with his final destination: Heidi Turner.

Heidi clearly saw Craig coming but had the decency to look surprised when he sat down in front of her.

"Craig," she said calmly, taking a sip of her milk.

Craig cut to the chase. "I need information about Cartman."

Heidi fiddled with her straw in a way that indicated she was doing it as a distraction and not because she was actively nervous. "And what makes you think I have any kind of information on Cartman?"

"You know him in a way the rest of us don't," Craig pointed out. "I need to know any hiding spots you two had together."

Heidi turned red, and Craig wasn't a blushing expert but even he could tell that not all of it was from embarrassment. Some of that red was definitely from anger. "What are you insinuating?"

"Tweek and I have places we like to go to be alone," Craig suggested helpfully. Although for him, it wasn't so much that he wanted to be alone with Tweek, it was more like Tweek had hiding places where he could be alone, but now that they were together, those hiding places now included Craig. It was nice. People didn't bother them there.

"Oh, I see." Heidi actually giggled a little at that which made Craig's brow furrow. Ever since he and Tweek started dating the girls were unusually nice to the two of them. He didn't particularly care why she thought that piece of information was somehow amusing, but it was enough to gain her trust and she took another sip of her milk. "Well, there's behind the bleachers, and the jungle gym and the side of the building with the low bushes during recess…. Oh, and the closet bathroom Eric had converted that one time. He never liked me going in there, but he would hide in there sometimes, especially when I knew he was avoiding me."

That was it. The extra bathroom. Craig forgot all about it mostly because it seemed like everyone else did, too. Cartman still used the boys' bathroom like the rest of them during bathroom breaks so the unisex bathroom faded into obscurity. Of course it was still there. Cartman probably banked on everyone's forgetfulness. He refused to let any expression play itself across his face as he thanked Heidi brusquely and got up to investigate.

Craig used the general confusion of lunchtime to sneak into the hallway and check on the extra bathroom. The door was closed and locked, making Craig kick the bottom of it in anger. He shoved his hands into his pockets and made his way back to the cafeteria. He'd have to keep an eye on the place. See if Cartman returned to the scene of the crime.

The rest of the day was mostly uneventful. Tweek tried to talk to him a couple of times, including the time he tried to send Craig a letter in the middle of class. It got intercepted by Bebe who opened it and read it and made such a big deal over how cute it was that Mrs. Nelson found it and made her throw it away.

Craig didn't particularly care at first. He was mostly focused on trying to catch Cartman red handed. Anything Tweek wanted to say to him, he could say in person later. It seemed Tweek was incredibly bummed about his note not reaching its destination. He let his head droop into his hand and he twitched sadly for the remainder of the day.

It wasn't like Craig was supposed to be so attuned to Tweek just because they were dating, but he couldn't help it. At first, the whole boyfriends thing was a chore, but the more he spent time with Tweek the more he realized that maybe it was a good thing. They just… hung out. Nothing changed except for the occasional term of endearment and this predilection for holding hands that was mostly on Tweek's end. And yet, over time, somehow Tweek just became /his./ Craig and Tweek. Tweek and Craig. Never one without the other. All of Tweek's hiding spots became Craig's.

And now, quite without his permission, all of Tweek's bad moods became Craig's.

Craig was suddenly angry with Bebe for getting caught with their note, not because he wanted to know the contents but because it meant something to Tweek. If he ended up finding all the missing Valentines, he vowed to eat one of Bebe's chocolates in retaliation.

With a renewed sense of vigor, the final bell rang and Craig was already poised to find a perfect hiding spot by the closet bathroom and wait.

But just as he was about to leave the room, Tweek blocked his path. "Craig," he began, head twitching to the side. "I want to talk to you."

"Can it wait?" Craig asked, trying to peek around the people as they filed out the door. "I'm kind of busy."

"But it's –ngh—it's Valentine's Day!" Tweek protested. "I know it's not your favorite holiday but I thought we would get to spend more time together."

"We will," Craig said, still distracted. He needed to get to that closet /now./ "Come over after school, okay?"

It was strange how Tweek could look both excited and deflated at the same time. "Okay, Craig." And then he turned around and disappeared into the mass exodus of students.

Perfect. Craig launched himself into the crowd, picking his way through the tiny cracks between slow-walking students until he was at the extra closet slash bathroom. This time when he tried the door handle, the door swung open to reveal Cartman reaching around a shelf to pull out a plastic bag filled with Valentines and treats.

Craig had his phone ready. "Aha!"

He snapped a few shots.

Cartman whirled around. "What the—" the began, surprised. "Damnit, Craig! I thought I locked the door!"

Craig continued to take as many pictures as he could and then held out a hand. "Give me the bag, Cartman."

"What? No! Like I'm giving this up to you. Delete those pictures."

"I can tweet these in like two seconds," Craig threatened.

Cartman's eyes went wide. "You wouldn't dare."

Craig pulled up Twitter and showed the app to Cartman. "Oh I dare." He hovered his thumb over the submit button.

"I found them in here!" Cartman said, trying one last time to find an excuse.

Craig rolled his eyes. "You and I both know no one comes in here."

"Fucking damnit, Craig," Cartman spat and handed over the bag. Craig shoved his phone in his pocket without deleting the photos. Maybe he'd post them anyway.

Feeling elated after having solved the completely obvious mystery, Craig made his way back to the classroom to drop off the Valentines. Mrs. Nelson could just hand them out tomorrow. As he walked, he fished through the bag to find his Valentine to Tweek.

But it wasn't in there.

He happened to find the Valentine Tweek sent him: a generic superhero Valentine card with Captain America on it saying, "America needs YOU to be my Valentine!" It was a bit anti-climatic considering how Tweek had been acting today. But that hardly mattered. What mattered was that Craig's hard-earned chocolate /wasn't there./

"That fat fuck!" Craig screamed to no one in particular. Cartman fucking ate his chocolate first, that douchebag. He turned around and stormed back toward the bathroom.

Cartman was just coming out of it when he spotted Craig and held his hands up into the air. "You got your stupid candy! What do you want, now?"

"Where's my shit?" Craig demanded.

Cartman raised an eyebrow and pointed to the bag. "It's all in there, dude."

"No. My Valentine to Tweek is missing. Where is it? The expensive Godiva chocolate."

Cartman's face erupted into giggles. Again, all Craig heard was that damn cat screaming at a bee. "You got him Godiva, Craig? God, you're so gay."

Craig chose to ignore that. Character development. "Where's my chocolate, Cartman?"

"I'm telling the truth, douchecanoe. I didn't eat your stupid fucking chocolate."

Craig inched in on Cartman and glared hard at him. There were no signs of Cartman having actually eaten any chocolate. He didn't even smell like chocolate, just BO. Irritated, Craig backed away and flipped Cartman the bird with his free hand. "If I find out you ate it…"

Cartman rolled his eyes. "God, now I wish I ate your chocolate."

Craig turned on his heel and stomped back to the classroom. He didn't want to deal with Eric Cartman any more than he had to. The guy made his blood boil. With a reluctant sigh, he opened the door to the classroom and stopped dead in his tracks.

Mrs. Nelson sat at her desk with her mouth frozen open and a piece of Godiva chocolate in her hand.

"What the fuck?" was all Craig could say.

Mrs. Nelson hastily set down the chocolate and tried to cover it with a piece of paper. "Craig! Why haven't you gone home, yet?"

Craig held up the bag. "I found all the missing Valentines. Cartman stole them after all. I have evidence. Um." He took a step into the room. "What were you eating?"

"Oh! Just… just a granola bar. Long day, you know," Mrs. Nelson said, forcing out a nervous laugh.

Craig looked around until he spotted the Godiva wrapper in the trash. His handwriting still said, "To Tweek" written on the front of it. "That looks a lot like my Valentine to Tweek," Craig deadpanned.

Mrs. Nelson's awkward laugh grew a little louder. "Is… is it? I didn't know. I thought it was left for me."

"Then you could have just said so," Craig retaliated. "You ate my Valentine."

"It was the last one left in the box!" Mrs. Nelson exclaimed. "I thought… since everyone else's got stolen, this one wouldn't be missed. I'm so sorry. I'll buy you another one."

An idea flashed across Craig's mind. "No," he said, taking another step into the room and depositing the bag of Valentines on Mrs. Nelson's desk. "You're going to make it up to me. Pay me back for the chocolate. I want full price plus compensation for emotional trauma."

"Emotional trauma?" Mrs. Nelson echoed with an obvious lilt to it that indicated she thought it was a stupid clause.

Craig wouldn't budge. "One hundred dollars."

"One hundred dollars?!"

Craig held out his hand. "Or PC Principal finds out what you did." Wow, two blackmails in one day. It was a great Valentine's Day after all.

"Do you know how much teachers make?" asked Mrs. Nelson.

Craig shrugged. "I don't care. One hundred dollars."

Grumbling, Mrs. Nelson must not have seen a way out of it and went to her purse to produce a wad of wrinkled up twenties. Craig counted them in front of her.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Mrs. Nelson," Craig said as he pocketed the money.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Craig." Mrs. Nelson replied through gritted teeth.

-0-

With a pocket full of Valentine's cash that Craig hadn't expected on acquiring, he decided that maybe it was a good idea to get Tweek something nice after all. He felt at least two percent bad that he'd essentially ignored his boyfriend all day so he stopped after school to pick up Kingdom Hearts 3, some coffee, and another bar of Godiva chocolate.

Instead of going home, he made his way over to Tweek's house, knocking in his usual way and realizing he should have asked to have his presents gift-wrapped, but whatever. It was too late. The plastic bag would have to suffice when it came to giftwrap.

Mr. Tweak answered the door with his usual enthusiasm. "Oh, hey Craig. Tweek's not home. He said he was going to your house."

Oh shit. Craig had told Tweek to go to his house after school. He smacked himself in the forehead for forgetting, thanked Mr. Tweak and hurried down the sidewalk toward home. He hoped Tweek wasn't waiting too long for him. Craig's mother was kind of overbearing when it came to her son.

Before he could even make it home, Craig spotted Tweek dragging himself slowly in the opposite direction. Actually, Craig spotted the balloon first, and Tweek second. A bright red heart-shaped foil balloon trailed behind the blond dejectedly as he trudged down the sidewalk looking at the ground like everyone in the world forgot his birthday.

The sight made something in Craig's chest twist without his permission. All at once he was reminded of just how terrible he'd treated Tweek that day. He didn't sit with him at lunch, they didn't get to exchange gifts or notes or even that many words. He'd pushed Tweek away at every opportunity and now he stood him up after school. Craig stopped in his tracks, feeling ashamed even though he'd ignored Tweek for the sake of Tweek—an odd combination.

"Tweek…" Craig said softly. It was the softest thing he'd said all month.

Tweek looked up and for a moment his face betrayed him and his eyes lit up, but then Tweek carefully managed to put up a wall and the same desolate look reappeared. "Craig," he said venomously. It was the worst thing he'd said all month. "You weren't home."

"I was busy exacting justice." It was the truth, but now Craig wasn't sure if it was enough or not.

"On what?"

"On Cartman," Craig explained. "And Mrs. Nelson. I found all the missing presents. I got your card."

Tweek blushed and then seemed angry at himself for blushing. He looked up at the balloon. "Not all the presents were missing."

Suddenly the miniscule card made sense. Tweek had been planning on giving Craig a present outside of the classroom. Craig hadn't even thought that far originally. He had no idea what to say and ended up simply standing there until either Tweek broke the silence or they both died, whichever came first.

Fortunately, Tweek broke the silence. "Well um. I'm sorry everything got stolen. This wasn't really how I pictured me giving this to you, but here." Tweek fidgeted a little as he closed the distance between them. With a shaking hand, he handed over a small box with the balloon attached to it.

Silently, Craig opened the package to reveal a box of chocolates in the shape of the planets and other celestial bodies. His eyes widened and he looked up at Tweek, his fingers clutching the box so tightly not even Cartman couldn't wrench it free. "This is amazing, Tweek," he said with awe. He couldn't stop staring at them. They didn't sell this kind of thing in stores. Tweek probably had to order it online which meant he had been thinking of Craig and planning this for a long time. Craig felt like a jerk all over again.

He held out the bag. "Sorry I didn't gift wrap them," he said. "It was a last minute thing."

If Tweek was still mad at him, no one would be able to tell anymore, especially considering how bright his face became once he saw the contents of the bag. "Oh wow! Kingdom Hearts 3? And coffee? AND GODIVA?! This is too much! Argh! I didn't spend this much on you!" He began to twitch and fidget uncontrollably, the plastic bag crinkling loudly in his grip as he tried to contain himself.

Craig reached out to place his hands on either one of Tweek's shoulders. "Relax. I actually only got you some nice chocolate, but the teacher ate it. I caught her red handed and made her pay for all this."

Tweek blanched. "Oh god- oh jeez- this is blackmail money?"

Craig smiled. "The best kind."

"Argh! This is too much pressure!"

"No it's not," Craig reassured him, now using his hands to guide Tweek back toward his house. "Let's go back to your place and start the game."

Tweek looked like he put himself on auto-pilot. "Okay, Craig."

They walked back to Tweek's house hand in hand, the heart-shaped balloon bobbing along in the cold February air behind them. Tweek's hand was warm in Craig's and it squeezed his palm every time Tweek gave a nervous tick. To him, it felt like an irregular heartbeat, but one Craig found himself grateful for experiencing. Craig continuously glanced at Tweek every so often. He was mumbling to himself about how much Kingdom Hearts 3 cost and how many Valentine's Days it was going to take for him to make it up to Craig when Craig suddenly blurted out:

"I'm sorry."

Tweek stopped his muttering to face Craig with a smile. "It's okay."

"No. I ignored you today," Craig began. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it properly. "Even though I had you in my mind all day, I still shoved you aside and that wasn't okay… and buying you a video game doesn't really make up for it."

"Well," Tweek started with a hint of a smile on his face. "It kind of makes up for it."

Craig laughed and bumped their shoulders together as they walked and Tweek bumped them back.

-0-

That afternoon it was just the two of them in Tweek's room (with the door open at Mr. Tweak's condescending request). Mrs. Tweak made them some popcorn as an after school snack and they sat side by side on the floor against Tweek's bed, eyes glued to the TV. There was a fair amount of beginning cutscenes and dialogue to get through so they watched together silently, trying to make sense of it all. When free play eventually opened up, Tweek almost forgot he had the controller in his hand and jumped when Craig reminded him.

Tweek ran around as Sora for a little bit before he stopped. Craig tore his eyes from the television screen to find Tweek biting his bottom lip and looking perplexed.

"Craig?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to even out the presents. This is too much." Tweek wouldn't look at him. His eyes remained cast downward at the controller in his lap.

Craig gave a graciously confused look. "Well you can always let me borrow the game when you're done." It wasn't that big of a deal and it wasn't really even his money, so it wasn't like he cared.

Tweek didn't look satisfied. "Okay, but… Craig?"

Craig sighed. He just wanted to play the damn game. He looked back at the screen. Even Goofy and Donald looked annoyed. "Yeah?"

Suddenly Tweek leaned in and gave Craig a little peck on the cheek. It was soft and light and felt like something his little sister would give him but Tweek was definitely not his little sister and so the action caused Craig to heat up from the inside out and he knew he was blushing something fierce. His toes wiggled in their socks and Craig's heart pounded a little too loudly in his chest. It seemed like Tweek was holding his breath beside him, waiting to see if he'd royally fucked up or not. Craig managed to stutter out: "Um wait. Hold on, I wasn't ready."

Tweek made a strangled noise beside him but Craig could see the movement out of the corner of his eye. Just as Tweek leaned in to kiss him again, Craig moved his head at the last moment and Tweek planted a kiss directly on his lips.

They both froze in place. Even though Craig was expecting the feeling, it still startled him. Tweek's lips were a little chapped from constantly biting them and he smelled like popcorn and chocolate but Craig didn't want to pull away. The kiss was simple and chaste and probably lasted either three million years or three seconds, Craig wasn't entirely sure. All he knew was that when they pulled away, they were different people. Before, they were boyfriends but now? They were /boyfriends./

It was Craig's job to break the silence. "I think we're even now," he whispered.

Tweek swallowed thickly and nodded. "Yeah." And then he said, "Wow."

They were both blushing by the time they turned their attention back to the video game, and if anyone said they were sitting closer together than they were before, that was because they were.

What started out as a terrible Valentine's Day ended with the best first kiss Craig ever had. But he would be damned if he'd give Cartman or his teacher any credit for it. Craig popped in a Venus-shaped chocolate and munched happily next to Tweek as he watched his boyfriend beat things up with a keyblade.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Tweek," he said softly, only this was actually the newest softest thing he said all month.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Craig."


End file.
